Bill Brasky Drinkin' Buddies
NBC's Saturday Night Live
The Complete Legend of Bill Brasky
written by Will Ferrell & Adam McKay  

SCENE: In a bar near the airport, some rotten-drunk salesmen loudly trade stories while guzzling obscenely large tumblers of Scotch.

Do you fellas know Bill Brasky?
Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!
Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky!! He’s a big fella, goes about 6’4″, 280. He loves his Scotch!!
He does! He’s a hell of a salesman!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?
Oh yeah, he’s a big guy!! Goes about 6’7″, 385!!
Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud!! Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, “I’ll baptize that piece of calamari !!” Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, “There! You’re baptized!!”
And your son is blind to this day!!
Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn’t he?
I have no idea.
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery?
Well, if you’re talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!!
Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe!! Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!!
I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl…
I’d like to have sex with her.
Anyway… Brasky shows up.. and you know he’s a big fella…
Goes about 7’8″, 530!!
Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony!! He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky!! Well, long story short, the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky!! We spend the weekend in the Poconos!! He loves me like I’ve never been loved before!!
Best damn salesman in the office!!
Bill Brasky!!
You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam?
Uh-huh!!
Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter… which made me a little curious… so I asked him his name, and sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!!
To William Robert Brasky!!
Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?
Many times!!
I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!!
Debbie Brasky?
Debbie Brasky!! She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5″, 55 pounds!! So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer!! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “billlbrrraskyyy” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!!
That’s Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
I once saw him eat a whole live chicken!!
His favorite movie is “One on One” with Robby Benson!!
Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!!
I have that tape!!
So do I!!
To Bill Brasky!! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!!
Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!
Yeah, best damn salesman in the office!!
An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is!!
Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash!! He named the cobra Beverly!! And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone!! But then one day, it bit the maid!! So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid!!
Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!
You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!!
He showers in grain alcohol!!
He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel!!
He gets circumcised every year!!
He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!
He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!
Yeah, he makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as Bear Bryant!!
He once ate the Bible while water skiing!!
Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!
I'll tell you one thing: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!
Best damn salesman in the office!!
You know he goes about 6’8” 340 pounds!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office? Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini!! For the next three months, I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily but at the end of the quarter, I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
He goes about 7’10”, 590!!
He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him!!
One time I ask Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children!! You know Jacob and Christine?
Sure, they’re dumb as rocks and always have dirty faces!!
That’s them, That’s them. Well, Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag, and says, “I’ve got goodies for you kids.” He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to ’em. Then he takes off his beard and says, "There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him!!"
Brasky’s a son of a bitch!!
Bill Brasky!!
You know Brasky goes about 9’8”, 780 pounds?
Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year?
I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky? But there weren’t any horses around!! Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me for three days in Wyoming!! Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles!! Yeah, tremendous leg muscles!! So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight!! And I’m runnin’ in second place, and I’m runnin’ and I break my ankle!! They’re about to shoot me, right? Then someone from the crowd yells out, "God Bless him! Don’t shoot him! He’s a human!"
Hey, I lost money on you!!
You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle?
Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell!!
His favorite TV movie is "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble" starring John Travoltas.
Bill Brasky!! Best damn salesman in the business!!
Bill Brasky was best man at my wedding!! And by best man, I mean he got drunk, took a dump on the wedding cake and made love to my wife in a water fountain!!
Brasky’s testicles have an I.Q. of 91 !!
He was divorced NINE times!! Fifteen, if you count the other six women he married!!
I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.
Anyway... Brasky’s colonoscopy tape gets higher ratings than “How I Met Your Mother!!”
Brasky’s ejaculate can cure leprosy!!
Brasky’s first words as a baby were: “Grab your clothes and BEAT IT, sweetheart!”
Brasky once punched a bald eagle because it wasn’t American enough!!
Brasky gave AIDS back to the monkeys!!
My favorite Brasky story was the time he played Santa Claus at the office Christmas party…
Last night I made sweet, passionate love to a box of Kleenex.
Anyway... Brasky says: “No one in this office gets any presents, you’ve ALL been naughty!!” Then he imprisons us all in the boiler room, where we made Nike sneakers for a month!!
Brasky gives out raw scallops and Dutch pornography for Halloween!!
His urine stream is so strong, it can cut through an uncooked steak!! And I’ve seen him do it!!
I ate that steak!!
He once date-raped Karl Malone on a dare!!
I actively worship the Devil.
Anyway... Brasky circumcised me with a giant tuna fish can while we were on a trampoline!!
Bill Brasky!! Best damn salesman in the office!!
He's a giant man-monster who eats steak at two in the morning and drinks scotch in the shower!!
Did I ever tell you guys...
Arghhhh...
Lost your chompers, Frank?
Hey, you're gonna be all right!! You gotta buy the expensive kind!!
Yeah, yeah, Brasky would have them!!
He'd have a whole case of them!!
Brasky would never want for pinchin' pennies!!
No, not Brasky!! Not when it came to fake teeth!!
Did I ever tell you fellas about the time Bill Brasky locked me in a closet with Catherine Bach? You know… Daisy from The Dukes of Hazard...
I killed my twin brother when we were eight.
Anyway... I'm in this dark closet with Catherine Bach, and we go at it for what seemed like hours, when all of a sudden, the hell if Brasky doesn't reach in, turn on the light switch to reveal I've just made love to a caribou.
That Brasky always was a practical joker!!
Every year Brasky does my taxes and every year I go to jail!!
Brasky does shots of his own spinal fluid!!
If it can't run and scream, Brasky won't eat it!!
I understand he uses a live rattlesnake as a condom!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught a kindergarten class on a bet...
I'm wearing clown makeup on my penis.
Anyway... Brasky taught kindergarten class for a year!! He'd call me at two in the afternoon, read the Wall Street Journal out loud, hand out Hustler magazines, and then get all the kids to clean his Oldsmobile!! Well years later, every one of those kids... sizzlebogagaaarrrhghhh... every one of those kids turned out to be an alcoholic congressman!!
That's just like Brasky!!
He once swam the English Channel in a suit of armor!!
Brasky wrote all the Bazooka Joe cartoons!!
His genitals look like Rodin's The Thinker!!
Brasky's yearbook quote in 1954 was: "Kennedy will be shot in nine years."
He once sold a helicopter to a homeless man!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
So you all know how Brasky loves Civil War re-enactments...
Every morning I crap the bed.
Anyway... Brasky loves dressing up like a Union soldier. Only, HE uses live ammunition!! I'll be damned if he didn't recreate the Battle of Shiloh in every detail, including the 23,000 dead!! It only took him half the time!!
Brasky!! He's a son of a bitch!!
He's a simple man who loves having orgies with female astronauts!!
He once ran a marathon in high heels!!
He's a ten-foot-tall beast-man who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi!!
We once had a bachelor party for Brasky!! He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it!!
He has a toenail on the end of his penis!!
Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16-ounce steak!!
The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms!!
Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King and I?” On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours!! The production got pretty good reviews.
He breastfeeds John Madden!!
Brasky named the group Sha Na Na!! They did not want to be called that!!
If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays The Beach Boys' “Pet Sounds!!”
They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!!
All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos!!
Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive...
I'm legally retarded.
Anyway... Brasky taught his son how to drive by entering him in the Indy 500!! The kid wrecked and died!! Brasky said, "It would'a happened sometime!!"
Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human!!
Like the guy from Terminator II?
Yep.
Brasky still believes that Santy Claus exists, and he wants to put him in porno films!!
He thinks the Iron Man is gay!!
He framed Roger Rabbit!!
Brasky used to ride upon a steed perchance to spy a lady!!
The story about Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men!!
He gave a manta ray a handjob!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
THE FUNERAL OF BILL BRASKY
I can’t believe he’s gone!!
Best damn salesman in the office!!
Bill Brasky was a son of a bitch!!
I’m gonna miss him!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
A ten-foot monster who slept with all of our wives!!
And he punched us all in the face!!
And we LOVED him for it!!
He had a four-day heart attack!!
Yeah, a day for every chamber!!
When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese!!
They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!!
Best damn salesman in the office!!
I remember one time, Brasky took his family to Sea World...
I'm wearing a diaper.
Anyway... they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed!! So Brasky yells, "I’m Bill Brasky and NO ONE gets ME wet!” So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, “How do YOU like it?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there and finish the show!!
That’s just like Brasky!!
You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!!
He did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies!!
He taught me how to love a woman and how to scold a child!!
He had dandruff the size of mice!!
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him...
I’m a convicted sex offender.
Anyways... we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t find one!! Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year and a half!! Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us!!
P. J.McGinty’s?
That’s right, that’s right! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground!! Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Always leave things the way you found them!!”
He was a terrible man!!
He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up the road!!
He had nine children, all of ’em boys!!
Hell, he sired a baseball team!!
An orchestra, if you count the bastards!!
Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky...
My Uncle Hal molested me.
Anyways... Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs!! Then he slept for eight months straight!! When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All in all, I prefer gin!!”
They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin’ in his sleep!!
He once breastfed an injured flamingo back to health!!
He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!!
His poop is considered currency in Argentina!!
He loved extension cords!!
He hated Mexicans!!
And he was half Mexican!!
He hated irony!!
He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!!
He slept eight hours a night!!
Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.
To Bill Brasky!!
Bill Brasky!!