How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Pandemic

"Why, Mandrake... don't you know that requiring children to wear a mask for a virus that is no more harmful than the common cold is a neurotic act by selfish adults? That's child abuse, Mandrake. Schools are foolishly putting innocent children inside Plexiglas cells? What's next? Waterboarding? And masks and social distancing hinders learning and scars a child emotionally and even physically. The elastic bands on masks permanently deform children's ears. It pulls their ears forward. Protruding ears, Mandrake. Good God, man, in 10 years we'll have a nation full of limey-ass Prince Charles-looking motherfuckers. Irresponsible parents are scaring their kids into thinking that they're being stalked by invisible menaces lurking in the air. And masks hinder social cues too, Mandrake. Misinterpretation is lethal, man. Hesitation kills. And masks are breeding grounds for bacteria. Think how dirty your shorts get, Mandrake. And they are breathing that air. That's disgusting. And with their faces covered by masks, how are the good-looking kids going to know who the ugly kids are? Or who the immigrants are? How will achievers be able to form proper social groups on the ladder to upward mobility? How will they ostracize the riff-raff? I could go on all day. You got someplace else you gotta be, Mandrake?"