Thursday, August 20, 2015

Warning Label

Some patients taking this medication have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake including making and eating babies and sleep boogie-ing. Patients often do not remember these events. Contact your doctor if you experience grooviness, chillaxedness, the desire to recite limericks, ralphing, dizziness, long-term eyelid droop, numbness of uvula, slurred speech, a change in the amount of urine produced and location of where said urine is deposited, confusion, list-making, hallucinations, MOMMY NO! MOMMY NO!, vomit that looks like Richard Nixon, black and tarry driveways, swollen lips, yellowing of your sheets, severe or persistent awesomeness, chills, difficulty rhyming, rolling on the floor laughing, horse-faced-ness, floppy arms and constant craving of the song "Constant Craving." Some patients tried to end their own lives, and some, in fact, have slowly and painfully ended their lives successfully. If you develop an erection that will not go away AND you are a woman, consult a talk show host immediately. Do not take orally or anally. Sublimate the solid into a gas and walk through the cloud, giving yourself just a hint of treatment. Do not take.

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