Thursday, August 20, 2015

Spoiler Alert


Sorry, but there is no Tooth Fairy. Or Santa Claus. And Soylent Green is people. Bruce Willis dies at the beginning of The Sixth Sense. Tim Robbins dies at the beginning of Jacob's Ladder. And Franklin Delano Roosevelt died at the beginning of his second term. The Germans killed 7 million Jews. Rock Hudson is gay. Rush Limbaugh AND Jesse Ventura are really Andy Kaufman. Bing Crosby's daughter shot J.R. There IS a Fight Club, and Brad Pitt is really Ed Norton. Pip's secret benefactor is the convict. John Huston is both Faye Dunaway's father and baby daddy. Rosebud is a sleigh AND the clitoris of William Randolph Hearst's girlfriend. Professor Plum did it with Col. Mustard in the buttocks. Gwyneth Paltrow's head is inside the "Wrath" box. The Planet of the Apes is New York City in the future. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. Under the Dome all happens inside one of Dolly Parton’s boobs - and NOT the two you're thinking of. Darth Vader is Luke's father. Al Gore won the election. That Crying Game chick has a dick. UFO's are people from the future - real assholes too. You will NOT be receiving your Social Security checks. Big Foot is Dan Haggerty. Richard Nixon knew about the Watergate break in and did NOT have a dick. Cherry-Flavored Tums CAUSE heartburn. Man is descended from Apes. God is concept by which we measure our pain. Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens. Dogs are cats. And the entire "Universe" is all inside Gwyneth Paltrow's box - which is... by the way... the furriest box in all of Hollywood. Well, that last one's not totally true. It's a tie between her and Ruth Buzzi. But Ruth Buzzi IS Dan Haggerty.

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