Thursday, August 20, 2015

Al Gore Adrift

Florida Shipping Authorities

Issue Emergency Manboob Advisory

MIAMI - The Florida Bureau of Meteorology issued a shipping alert Saturday after former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was discovered floating 100 meters off the state's southeastern coast.

Satellite images reveal a healthy, though slightly sunburned Gore lounging in a pool chair reading his latest paperback "Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis".

Gore's publicist said the author is unavailable for comment as he is on vacation but asked officials to get word to the Father of the Internet to put on a t-shirt.

Glaciologist Colin Hay Jr. of the Australian Antarctic Division was monitoring his own country's approaching iceberg, known as B17B, when he made the discovery. Hay quickly phoned U.S. officials and designated the mass as 46/DD.

"I was taking a break and took a gander at Disney World," said Hay who plans to vacation there next week. "Then - POW - there I saw two giant pink manboobs, clear as day, bobbing in the waters off Boca Raton."

Experts acknowledge the irony of the report, but heed sailors to take caution. Gore is likely to either get tired and come in for lunch or break up as he enters warmer waters nearer Miami, creating hundreds of smaller Gores in a hazard to passing ships.

"He's still 100 meters away, so it's quite a long way away, it's not really on your doorstep yet but it's been heading steadily towards you," glaciologist Hay said Saturday.

Hay earlier told The Miami Herald that a Vice President of that size had probably not been seen in the area since the days when 19th century clipper sailing ships plied the trade route between Britain and America. Though uncommon, such occurrences could become more frequent if sea temperatures rise through global warming.

Scientists Confirm

"First Tool" Cephalopod Abuse

FREMANTLE (PERTH, AUSTRALIA) - Researchers report that former Vice President Al Gore has displayed unusual behavior with an octopus.

While charting Gore's journey towards the Australian coast, observers at Fremantle Harbour report that the Father of the Internet, known to glaciologists as 46/DD, has tied a Coconut Octopus (Amphioctopus marginatus) around his head and neck. Floating in a pool chair, the shirtless and sunburned Gore is feared to be suffering from delirium.

Photographs reveal that Gore is sucking seawater through a silly straw and is using the octopus's coconuts to cover his manboobs.

Efforts to obtain a comment from Gore's publicist were unsuccessful at press time.

The author of "Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis" has drifted over 18,000 kilometers from his Boca Raton hotel lagoon since Saturday. Sailors using these waters should continue to take caution as he may damage their vessels.

Al Gore Friday denied charges made by his estranged wife that the former Vice President engaged in "adultery with a fish."

Maritime Rescuers Save

Iceberg, Russian Sailors and Octopus

MALTA - Authorities monitoring Arctic waters Thursday report the recovery of a Russian cargo ship and believe an alleged hijacking was carried out by former US Vice President Al Gore.

An international criminal investigation, involving Interpol, Swedish, Maltese and Finnish authorities is under way as Gore remains restrained in a Swedish jail.

Photos detailing the 12-hour standoff with Maltese authorities reveal the Father of the Internet was brandishing a harpoon gun and forcing a 30-member Russian crew to use hair dryers to melt an iceberg. Reports indicate Gore was wearing an octopus tied around his head.

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